Hello peoples, what’s up? I am strung out, but what else is new? I hate feeling this way, and it is partially my own fault, though right now we’re not going to get into it.

What we are going to get into is the heaps of news and other crap that I carelessly have been neglecting to share with you. I wouldn’t say "carelessly," it’s just,…when I’m in a really good mood, I tend to just wallow in it for quite some time. I work so backwards. I should be able to seriously write every single day and get something completed and posted, but instead I ponder all sorts of things. Let’s talk about some of those things, shall we?

Number one: elevatorium. Technically, this should not even be my first priority, I should be working on my previous writing project which was commonly referred to as "The Super Secret Master Plan." Well, guess what? Fuck the stupid secret master plan. That’s right, just chuck that bitch right out the fuckin’ door. You know, I would tell y’all what it was, but I still might try it out someday. I just don’t want to deal with it right now, so back to elevatorium being number one.

One thing I really do not like is that I’m not working on the site’s visual overhaul. I have certain ideas I would like implemented, and I have no fucking idea why I just can’t execute. Oh wait, I do know why, because I’m A. D. D.ing the whole situation. I do know one thing—I really have to stop writing about entertainment like it’s the only thing I’m into on the planet. I mean, shit! What happened to my music reviews and my re-vamp of the “Who is Maya?” page, right? Ugh, dammit to Hell. I have two computers, I should be utilizing both efficiently, not just dicking around on my iMac and staring at my eMac, hehe.

I definitely have to bring back the Now Playing features for the SEB and iTunes, why can’t I do that right now for Christ’s sake? it’s just a teeny amount of code, plus I have to install Recent Tunes, but that’s no big deal. Kevin is supposedly going to work on his own visual overhaul interpretation for the site as well—it started with just a basic graphic for The Purgatory, and now it exploded to, "Hey, let’s do the whole site like this!" After some pondering, I wanted to interject the infamous trees from the “dream of elevatorium”, so now we’re back to that. Visual overhauls, however, should not stop me from writing. I should split the day in half—day for visual overhauling, and night for writing, since we all know I do write the best whilst burning the midnight oil.

You know what, though? I feel for some of you, especially if you come this way for the first time, and well, even for the seasoned returning visitors. I mention a lot here and there of information that only I know of, because I don’t take the time to really explain anything, and that I apologize for. Actually, instead of apologizing, allow some explanations to come your way!

I get a ton of questions regarding the titles to posts. Hahaha, it’s funny, because whatever mood I’m currently in, or maybe what the current song or artist is playing at the moment, that’ll be the inspiration needed to kick in and starting scribin’. For example, the title to this post is a title of a Wavestar song. Of course, ninety-nine percent of you don’t even know who the fuck Wavestar is, so I could at least give you a link or better yet, just mention that Wavestar was an ambient music duo involving John Dyson and David Ward-Hunt. Unfortunately, Wavestar is no more, but their music is still potent and yummy, so in the end, that’s what counts the most. See? Don’t we all feel better now that we learned something?

Another question I’ve been getting asked lately is the whole mystique around my newfound phrase, "I am forever The Illusionist." It is my home page at my other site, amplexus dot info, but honestly, there’s a lot more at that site than meets the eye—it’s where I do all my beta testing to new projects ’n’ shit. I also ended the first post for The Purgatory™ with that, because it’s very true. My name means "illusion" in some Hindi dialect, and it’s pretty ironic that it just fits. Many times I feel that I dish out more than I am, like this whole "living in the Bell Tower" thing, hahaha!!! I’ve been using that since, hrm, wow, probably when I was fifteen or sixteen years old? I used to call my room The Bell Tower because every time I wanted to go out, my parents would say no, or actually my dad would be Mr. No, haha! Also, the way the house is constructed, you wouldn’t tell from the outside, but inside, my room is sort of "detached," if you will. It’s like you have to walk a lil’ extra in the hallway because I’m off in the corner, much like a bell tower is in a castle. Hahaha, so even when I would get in trouble or get into a fight, I would always hide in the ’Tower. I guess it just stuck.

Hey, look at that, I banged out a lot, eh?

Anyway, the “soundtrack of elevatorium” has been missing for a while, and probably some of you have no idea what that is either. I guess you would have to know how the website came to be, and where the origins are. You can learn about that by clicking here. Once you read that, you’ll be able to understand the rest of this paragraph. You see, after I had the dream, I constructed a soundtrack that would go with the release of the short film I wanted to create in 1999 to visually capture exactly what the dream looked to me. It had such a profound imprint on my life, but honestly, it has faded. That could be why a lot of these ideas start, but never really go anywhere. All of these ideas could very well be just that—phases, and if they are, they are just temporary illusions, hence being forever The Illusionist. Amazingly, the only two phases that hasn’t dissapated in my entire life is music and writing, so finally something stuck. w00t!

I guess now the plan is to merge those two, and see where it takes me from there. It’s one of those "stay tuned" moments.

Okay, so! Sow buttons? No, so what else do I have to say? Ah, yes! Why am I starting to write one big post per month? That is the biggest no-no in my book. Shame shame, know my name! Holy shit, I just remembered when I started this site that was another project I was getting into—writing a book! Bahahaha!!! See what I mean? I know how to solve this, though. I just need someone as a partner in crime. I work better with a second mind around, you know what I mean? That’ll solve everything.

Now everyone knows that writing is literally, like, one half of who I am. What’s the other half? Music, of course, and how grand music is!

I can really be proud of my extreme diversity in music. I mean, here’s a great example: Who else can say they really became absorbed with new age music at the young, tender age of thirteen, and have a real appreciation for it! If you went through that, or know someone who did, you tell them to eMail me right fucking now, because none of my friends from back then even gave a shit about new age, hahaha! Everyone was already baffled that I was such a diehard KISS fan since I was three, that to get into something which was such a complete opposite was just way too extreme for their minds to handle. Oh well! KISS will always be my number one band for life, that’s something that just can’t end. No matter how much time goes by, any time I hear a KISS tune I can immediately jump right in and sing along, word for word. I can’t really do that with any other bands except Life of Agony, and maybe Pink Floyd, so in the number one spot, KISS and LoA share that pedestal, hehe.

However, new age music was just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve had a massive appreciation for classical music my whole life, as well as several ethnic flavors. Here’s a very little known fact about yours truly: I have an amazing respect and deep-rooted love of Eastern Orthodox Byzantine music.  You know, the hymns sung in the church choir? As being Ukrainian Orthodox, I really have this fascination with the whole Eastern Orthodox religion, and it’s been that way since I remember going to church way back in the day. I’ve always had this odd fixation or attachment to God, or the concept thereof. It just amazes me how I always feel so serene when I’m in a church; a true feeling of sanctuary.

By the way, if anyone tries to use that against me, I guarantee you a world of nothing but bad luck will haunt you.

Wow, this is really the first time I’m really opening up about myself on the site. It’s pretty impressive, hehe. I feel like I’m on a roll, what else could I say about myself? Okay, how about ten random great qualities?

1. I’m a superb listener.

2. I can make anyone who’s feeling lousy cheer up quick. Shit, I wish I could do that for myself, hahaha!!!

3. I can turn a shitty or shady situation into something positive.

4. I would put my life on the line for anyone I care about deeply, friend or lover.

5. I would put my own freedoms on the line for the good of the group, as I still continue to do today.

6. I always put myself last; everyone is tended to first.

7. I would never fathom cheating on someone I truly love with all my heart. I despise cheaters and honestly, if you’re married or romantically involved with someone and cheat, you best just leave the site now. Your thoughts are useless to me.

8. I know how to make my significant other happy.

9. I love to share.

10. I’m extremely easy to get along with, no matter of how much an ass someone could be. Although if it gets to an insane point, I just might go postal on your ass.

All righty, now here’s ten random things I really need to work on:

1. I really need to stop biting my nails. It’s my biggest killer, I swear, but hey, I’m a nervous person by default, so what the fuck you want from me!

2. I can and tend to be selfish, though my selflessness outweighs it big time.

3. I really hate when I play with my hair too much. If it’s not the fingernails, I’m going for the hair. I haven’t had this long of hair in quite a while, and now I remember why I keep it short—I have to attack it constantly.

4. I am a slob, haha! I confess it, though, so it’s not so bad. The Bell Tower and my apartment when I lived on Long Island were the worst, haha, although now, I really do try to keep shit clean. It’s really a matter of organization.

i can’t believe i’ve been in my pajamas all day. lately, the idea of branching out The Hollywood Junkie™ into something bigger, something that was the original thought for the plan, has been kicking around in my head again.

i think i know why now, though. it’s all about filling the void. it’s like a materialistic person—they buy and get all that they can and want, thinking it’s going to give them the love they so desperately need or want, but at the end of the day, they’re going to sleep with absolutely nothing. just one lonelyass soul, still searching for the perfect item to fill the void.

as far as i go, i know now what things there are to fill my voids. i get off on a lot of, well, for safety’s sake, i’ll just call it “white collar activities.” don’t want to incriminate anyone here, you know what i mean? i used to say during the last nine years i would give it all up in a heartbeat for that someone special. i’ve done it once before, and yes, it did bite me big time in the arse, but then again, what really hasn’t? it’s all about what you want to give up—a sacrifice, if you will—to get the good.

think about it. shit, i’ll even give you a decent example. let’s just say you walk into your local drug store, and you’re dying for some chocolate. unfortunately, you have no change on you, and your friend who works at the store is off that day. you’re jonesing to swipe it, seriously, not just because you want a sweet tooth fix, but because you get off on the illegal high. but you have to sacrifice something to get away with it. so let’s say you swiped the chocolate, and walked out of the store scott-free, or so you think. maybe you got away from the store, but when you get home, you find out that your cousin from alberquerque whom you really despise with a passion made a surprise weekend visit. hahaha, busSssted! yah, you can get away with your sixty-cent candy bar, but in the end, you’ll still have to sacrifice something. sometimes the initial shock of your sacrifice really knocks you off your gourd, and you’ll get internally pissed, but after a while, you’ll blow it over, because you don’t know it’s just karma kickin’ you in the ass. i know, though—i know what it feels like and when that time comes. you’re right there at the crossroads. it almost feels like you’re signing your life away to the devil. what do you want more? do you want to do good deeds for the day, or you want to fuck around a lil’?

i admit it, i always have that left horn sticking out a lil’ bit, i’m a devious, naughty, manipulative lil’ biOtch, but i can work around it in real sweet ways. or if i feel up to it, i’ll just spit in karma’s face and be like, adios, amigo! no matter how hard you try, you are never, ever going to get away from your destiny. what’s meant to be will be, and no one can even get out of it. even if you try commiting suicide, you’ll be saved, because there’s a shitload of people you still have to meet and change their lives—albiet for the better or worse; you have to make your impact. so shut the fuck up, suck it up, be a goddamn man—even you ladies out there, get those masculine sides toughened up—and live your life. make a difference. can’t you tell i’m really all over the mental chart? i’m procesing so much lately, and it still goes back to the one thing: what am i supposed to do? what am i to accomplish, how long will it be for, and who will i accomplish things with? i like to go solo on some things yes, but with other ventures, i do need someone involved. it doesn’t have to be a business partner, either. a significant other is also—and preferably—the better option, but hey? if we can do great things together in business and pleasure, so be it!

i really don’t know what i’m talking about. i just needed a mental purging. it’s kind of like how i totally forgot to take my meds last saturday, and then sunday morning i’m all light-headed for four to six hours because i had nothing to keep my brain in order. damn meds made me forget in the first place!

i really gotta go.. maybe one day i can look back at this and make some sense out of it all.

It’s just a garbage can, let it fuckin’ go…

I’m going through one of my weird mental phases again. You know what kind they are, the ones where I start questioning everything around me, no matter how big or small. After a while, it’ll start affecting everything else, all sorts of minute decisions: Do I do this, do I go there, do I return their phone call, do I eMail this or that person?!?! Is this just part of being a Libra—the indecisiveness—or is this something deeper? I mean, I’m already on meds to keep me calm and serene, but these same meds can be prescribed to treat depression, something which I may have had issues with forever. Maybe I was a self-contained child because of depression rather than something else? As I think back, I remember how all the other children in my class at elementary school always looked at me differently, made fun of me because I never spoke to them in class, only outside of school. It’s like something about being inside school immediately made me mute or something, I don’t know. Maybe I’m overanalyzing everything. Maybe I don’t trust my own instincts, so I end up being at a constant crossroads with myself; my mind. And if it’s not really me, not really my mind, then who is it? Who is that voice inside my head that tells me what to do and how to do it and when to do it?

Often you hear therapists or psychologists or psychiatrists say that one way to deal with your thoughts and inner self or selves is to write down all your thoughts and feelings, as a “mental purging,” if you will. I have done that for so long, but honestly, where does it get you? Ooh, so what?!?! Big deal, you can read your thoughts on paper or on a monitor or where ever? It’s not like writing them out changes or alters your life in any way. Maybe, just maybe, it can give you some hope on which path to take, but for me, mostly it’s just walking around blindfolded most of the time. I feel restricted; it’s like I want to do stuff, but I’m not really sure why? Is it because I have a real or true desire to do so, or is it because I just want to prove something to others aside from myself.

I do know one thing for certain: I want to love, and I want to be loved. The question is though, by whom and or at what costs or lengths would I have to go through to gain that love, and will I gain it equally or partially? One big pet peeve of mine is when people over analyze relationships to no end. In that sense, I operate backwards—I wonder why we ponder diving into the relationship, because once I’m in the ocean, swimming and relaxing is easy. Maybe that part is a Libra thing?

So whoopeedodah, I wrote out my mental purge, now what? Should I just sit here and read it over and over until it sinks into my skull? It already sank into my skull, shit, it’s been there since the beginning. I am supposed to take it out and plaster it onto paper for review and evaluation, not sink it back in. Maybe the paper is some sort of filter, maybe it’s supposed to take out all the bad and negative before it re-sinks into my head in a positive light? I don’t know, and honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever really know.

I really do spend too much time pondering about why my mind acts the way it does, and how I can improve it, or maybe just let it remain as it is. Don’t get me wrong, I always say that I love myself to no end, that’ll remain true always. I love my creativity, my imagination, my ability to write well, but what I don’t love is when my Libra scales tip too low and into an area I just never learned or knew how to handle well. And then I end up inflicting this shit on others whom I do care about deeply. I’ll take some lame annoyance (or sometimes not so lame) and make it into a big dramatic production, because in the end, that’s what I do best: I am forever The Illusionist.